Monday, March 27, 2006
i've decided to do something a bit different with this blog...i usually write the same thing on all 3 but it seems a bit ridiculous...and right now i'm feeling the need to blog about things that that do not need to be read by some of the people who read my other blogs and seeing as how almost no one reads this one, i feel safe in recording my thoughts here...i'd like to think i haven't truly 'ranted' here as the title of my blog states but today i might...so here goes
the last week has been interesting...my oldest and most melodramatic sister informed me (as she's always good to do) that she believes that my mother is manic again...now this particular sister tends to think this way often...i'd say every other month or so...but this time, my more level headed sister agrees. this means business. my mother has been bipolar my whole life - to the extent that i sometimes wonder if my being born caused it (being helped along by the fact that it runs in the family). it's only been in the last 5-7 years that the illness has been rearing its ugly head on occasion. i hate it when it does. but sometimes i wonder why. mom feels perfectly fine when she's manic. she's in no pain. she's not sad really. it's the rest of us that suffer. things get tense between my sister and i. so in that sense, i feel a bit guilty and maybe a bit selfish that so much of my life for the past 7 years has been spent praying for God to keep her sane. it's for my benefit more than it is for hers.
so mom's manic. we're hoping it's been caught early. and, of course, i'm doing my usual pray-every-time-i-think-of-it, beg-and-plead-to-god-to-make-her-better thing. and it has, of course, occurred to me that God might have every intention of using this to teach me something - in which case i'm sure that it will not end soon. and, as if to confirm that fact, i get an email from kaylan this morning that says "God is more interested in your character than your comfort." dang...it makes me feel so...i don't know...weak, stupid, ungrateful. because i've been blessed in more ways than i can possibly convey and yet one bad thing comes along and i beg for God to take it away. i'm a wuss...
i don't know if it's because of the aforementioned drama or for another reason altogether, but this past week was also a time when i was reminded of my singleness and did not exactly feel like rejoicing in it (these times are rare these days so i figure i'm allowed) . on friday my roommates and i went to memphis to see the guys play. i got all cute and had a good time seeing people i haven't seen in a while. but all in all, i felt invisible. as if no one (especially anyone of the male persuasion) truly cared that i was there. and that feeling was immediately followed by the thought "ruth if you're this insecure, it's no wonder that you're alone."
i don't mean to be so negative. i know God is in control. i know that it's ridiculous to worry about my mom because He's in control of her life and mine. I know i should continue to pray and cling to him when i feel helpless. i know that if he wills that i find someone and fall in love someday that i will and that if he doesn't that he will give me peace about that. i know all of these things. yet sometimes my heart doesn't listen. but i know tomorrow will be a better day. hopefully i will retreat less into my thoughts and live more in the here and now.
the last week has been interesting...my oldest and most melodramatic sister informed me (as she's always good to do) that she believes that my mother is manic again...now this particular sister tends to think this way often...i'd say every other month or so...but this time, my more level headed sister agrees. this means business. my mother has been bipolar my whole life - to the extent that i sometimes wonder if my being born caused it (being helped along by the fact that it runs in the family). it's only been in the last 5-7 years that the illness has been rearing its ugly head on occasion. i hate it when it does. but sometimes i wonder why. mom feels perfectly fine when she's manic. she's in no pain. she's not sad really. it's the rest of us that suffer. things get tense between my sister and i. so in that sense, i feel a bit guilty and maybe a bit selfish that so much of my life for the past 7 years has been spent praying for God to keep her sane. it's for my benefit more than it is for hers.
so mom's manic. we're hoping it's been caught early. and, of course, i'm doing my usual pray-every-time-i-think-of-it, beg-and-plead-to-god-to-make-her-better thing. and it has, of course, occurred to me that God might have every intention of using this to teach me something - in which case i'm sure that it will not end soon. and, as if to confirm that fact, i get an email from kaylan this morning that says "God is more interested in your character than your comfort." dang...it makes me feel so...i don't know...weak, stupid, ungrateful. because i've been blessed in more ways than i can possibly convey and yet one bad thing comes along and i beg for God to take it away. i'm a wuss...
i don't know if it's because of the aforementioned drama or for another reason altogether, but this past week was also a time when i was reminded of my singleness and did not exactly feel like rejoicing in it (these times are rare these days so i figure i'm allowed) . on friday my roommates and i went to memphis to see the guys play. i got all cute and had a good time seeing people i haven't seen in a while. but all in all, i felt invisible. as if no one (especially anyone of the male persuasion) truly cared that i was there. and that feeling was immediately followed by the thought "ruth if you're this insecure, it's no wonder that you're alone."
i don't mean to be so negative. i know God is in control. i know that it's ridiculous to worry about my mom because He's in control of her life and mine. I know i should continue to pray and cling to him when i feel helpless. i know that if he wills that i find someone and fall in love someday that i will and that if he doesn't that he will give me peace about that. i know all of these things. yet sometimes my heart doesn't listen. but i know tomorrow will be a better day. hopefully i will retreat less into my thoughts and live more in the here and now.
// posted by ruth @ 9:56 AM 
