Monday, March 27, 2006
i've decided to do something a bit different with this blog...i usually write the same thing on all 3 but it seems a bit ridiculous...and right now i'm feeling the need to blog about things that that do not need to be read by some of the people who read my other blogs and seeing as how almost no one reads this one, i feel safe in recording my thoughts here...i'd like to think i haven't truly 'ranted' here as the title of my blog states but today i might...so here goes
the last week has been interesting...my oldest and most melodramatic sister informed me (as she's always good to do) that she believes that my mother is manic again...now this particular sister tends to think this way often...i'd say every other month or so...but this time, my more level headed sister agrees. this means business. my mother has been bipolar my whole life - to the extent that i sometimes wonder if my being born caused it (being helped along by the fact that it runs in the family). it's only been in the last 5-7 years that the illness has been rearing its ugly head on occasion. i hate it when it does. but sometimes i wonder why. mom feels perfectly fine when she's manic. she's in no pain. she's not sad really. it's the rest of us that suffer. things get tense between my sister and i. so in that sense, i feel a bit guilty and maybe a bit selfish that so much of my life for the past 7 years has been spent praying for God to keep her sane. it's for my benefit more than it is for hers.
so mom's manic. we're hoping it's been caught early. and, of course, i'm doing my usual pray-every-time-i-think-of-it, beg-and-plead-to-god-to-make-her-better thing. and it has, of course, occurred to me that God might have every intention of using this to teach me something - in which case i'm sure that it will not end soon. and, as if to confirm that fact, i get an email from kaylan this morning that says "God is more interested in your character than your comfort." dang...it makes me feel so...i don't know...weak, stupid, ungrateful. because i've been blessed in more ways than i can possibly convey and yet one bad thing comes along and i beg for God to take it away. i'm a wuss...
i don't know if it's because of the aforementioned drama or for another reason altogether, but this past week was also a time when i was reminded of my singleness and did not exactly feel like rejoicing in it (these times are rare these days so i figure i'm allowed) . on friday my roommates and i went to memphis to see the guys play. i got all cute and had a good time seeing people i haven't seen in a while. but all in all, i felt invisible. as if no one (especially anyone of the male persuasion) truly cared that i was there. and that feeling was immediately followed by the thought "ruth if you're this insecure, it's no wonder that you're alone."
i don't mean to be so negative. i know God is in control. i know that it's ridiculous to worry about my mom because He's in control of her life and mine. I know i should continue to pray and cling to him when i feel helpless. i know that if he wills that i find someone and fall in love someday that i will and that if he doesn't that he will give me peace about that. i know all of these things. yet sometimes my heart doesn't listen. but i know tomorrow will be a better day. hopefully i will retreat less into my thoughts and live more in the here and now.
the last week has been interesting...my oldest and most melodramatic sister informed me (as she's always good to do) that she believes that my mother is manic again...now this particular sister tends to think this way often...i'd say every other month or so...but this time, my more level headed sister agrees. this means business. my mother has been bipolar my whole life - to the extent that i sometimes wonder if my being born caused it (being helped along by the fact that it runs in the family). it's only been in the last 5-7 years that the illness has been rearing its ugly head on occasion. i hate it when it does. but sometimes i wonder why. mom feels perfectly fine when she's manic. she's in no pain. she's not sad really. it's the rest of us that suffer. things get tense between my sister and i. so in that sense, i feel a bit guilty and maybe a bit selfish that so much of my life for the past 7 years has been spent praying for God to keep her sane. it's for my benefit more than it is for hers.
so mom's manic. we're hoping it's been caught early. and, of course, i'm doing my usual pray-every-time-i-think-of-it, beg-and-plead-to-god-to-make-her-better thing. and it has, of course, occurred to me that God might have every intention of using this to teach me something - in which case i'm sure that it will not end soon. and, as if to confirm that fact, i get an email from kaylan this morning that says "God is more interested in your character than your comfort." dang...it makes me feel so...i don't know...weak, stupid, ungrateful. because i've been blessed in more ways than i can possibly convey and yet one bad thing comes along and i beg for God to take it away. i'm a wuss...
i don't know if it's because of the aforementioned drama or for another reason altogether, but this past week was also a time when i was reminded of my singleness and did not exactly feel like rejoicing in it (these times are rare these days so i figure i'm allowed) . on friday my roommates and i went to memphis to see the guys play. i got all cute and had a good time seeing people i haven't seen in a while. but all in all, i felt invisible. as if no one (especially anyone of the male persuasion) truly cared that i was there. and that feeling was immediately followed by the thought "ruth if you're this insecure, it's no wonder that you're alone."
i don't mean to be so negative. i know God is in control. i know that it's ridiculous to worry about my mom because He's in control of her life and mine. I know i should continue to pray and cling to him when i feel helpless. i know that if he wills that i find someone and fall in love someday that i will and that if he doesn't that he will give me peace about that. i know all of these things. yet sometimes my heart doesn't listen. but i know tomorrow will be a better day. hopefully i will retreat less into my thoughts and live more in the here and now.
Friday, March 17, 2006
perhaps i'm behind on the christian music scene so forgive my delayed excitement...i heard this song today on my way to work and felt the need to share...this is awesome...if you figured out it was awesome weeks ago, good for you...if you don't think it's awesome...i don't understand...
Which Jesus do you follow?Which Jesus do you serve?If Ephesians says to imitate ChristThen why do you look so much like the world?
Cause my Jesus bled and diedHe spent His time with thieves and liarsHe loved the poor and accosted the arrogantSo which one do you want to be?Blessed are the poor in spiritOr do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sinsHe spent His time with thieves and sluts and liarsHe loved the poor and accosted the richSo which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you followThis picture of the American dreamIf Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feetPretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexionIs how you see Him as He dies for Your sinsBut the Word says He was battered and scarredOr did you miss that partSometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
Cause my Jesus bled and diedHe spent His time with thieves and the least of theseHe loved the poor and accosted the comfortableSo which one do you want to be?
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my churchThe blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpetBut He reaches for the hurting and despised the proudI think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowdAnd I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud
I want to be like my Jesus!I want to be like my Jesus!Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my JesusYou see I'm tired of living for success and popularityI want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You JesusCause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for meCan I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus
Which Jesus do you follow?Which Jesus do you serve?If Ephesians says to imitate ChristThen why do you look so much like the world?
Cause my Jesus bled and diedHe spent His time with thieves and liarsHe loved the poor and accosted the arrogantSo which one do you want to be?Blessed are the poor in spiritOr do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand
Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sinsHe spent His time with thieves and sluts and liarsHe loved the poor and accosted the richSo which one do you want to be?
Who is this that you followThis picture of the American dreamIf Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feetPretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexionIs how you see Him as He dies for Your sinsBut the Word says He was battered and scarredOr did you miss that partSometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him
Cause my Jesus bled and diedHe spent His time with thieves and the least of theseHe loved the poor and accosted the comfortableSo which one do you want to be?
Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my churchThe blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpetBut He reaches for the hurting and despised the proudI think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowdAnd I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud
I want to be like my Jesus!I want to be like my Jesus!Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my JesusYou see I'm tired of living for success and popularityI want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You JesusCause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for meCan I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus
Saturday, March 11, 2006
different songs remind me of different people...is everybody this way or just me? my ipod is full of random music (can i get an amen?) so i thought it'd be fun to let people know which songs on it remind me of who...yet another fun insight into my crazy head...
Whitney M- I'll Make a Man out of You from the Mulan Soundtrack, Shackles by Mary Mary, Lady Marmalade, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, Revolution by Kirk Franklin, Make Us One
Laura W - Dancing Queen, Rent Soundtrack, On the Street Where You Live from My Fair Lady, and anything by Michael Jackson
Jennifer - One Pure & Holy Passion
Laura P - Stars & the Moon, I've Still Got My Health, all things Sandi Patty
Sean B - Under You, Istanbul not Constantinople by They might be Giants
Jeremy - Good Ol' Days
Matt T - Drops of Jupiter
Corley M. - Golden Girls Theme
Jordan - Shirley Q Liquor soundclip on Star Trek
Rebecca Zr - Oh How The Years Go By, Carrying the Banner from Newsies, everything else from Newsies...and Mama Mia
My Dad - Fly Away, Homesick, I'll Be Seeing You, How Great is Our God
Elise - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Kendall K - anything by John Mayer or Josh Groban or Shirley Q Liquor or Celine Dion...and all instrumental soundtrack music
Suite 307-309 Crew - Thank You by Kelly Jones, Take Ya Home by Lil Bow Wow, Dream On by Aerosmith, Always Be My Home by Rachel Lampa
Tiffany - Girl on TV and Summer Girls by LFO, Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks, Orange Colored Sky by Natalie Cole, Stickshifts & Safetybelts by Cake
Heath - Always on Your Side by Sheryl Crow and anything by Sister Hazel (i've got it all)
John D. - Free Bird, Hotel California
Tommy A - Livin' on a Prayer
Richie - I just Died in Your Arms Tonight
Jonathan H - If I Had a Million Dollars
Kaylan - Awakening by Sara Groves, Mississippi Squirrel Revival, all things Nichole Nordeman
Stuart - I would walk 500 Miles
The Band Boys - With or Without You, Spin, Where the Streets Have No Name, and all their own stuff
Emily - It's Rainin' Men
Holly - Concrete by Plumb, all of the Runaway Bride Soundtrack, Goodbye Earl, Arise my Love, Sweet Tea by Craven Melon
Sara - The Trolley Song from Meet Me In St. Louis
Zo - For the Moments I feel Faint
Michael R - Blessing in the Thorn, Coconuts soundclip from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Michael N - Smile and all things George Strait (and Little Cabin in the Woods...even though it's not on my ipod)
Family - White Christmas soundtrack and some old school kid music that i will not name so as not to embarrass myself, The Lord Bless You & Keep You
Whitney B - the Rent soundtrack
Whitney M- I'll Make a Man out of You from the Mulan Soundtrack, Shackles by Mary Mary, Lady Marmalade, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, Revolution by Kirk Franklin, Make Us One
Laura W - Dancing Queen, Rent Soundtrack, On the Street Where You Live from My Fair Lady, and anything by Michael Jackson
Jennifer - One Pure & Holy Passion
Laura P - Stars & the Moon, I've Still Got My Health, all things Sandi Patty
Sean B - Under You, Istanbul not Constantinople by They might be Giants
Jeremy - Good Ol' Days
Matt T - Drops of Jupiter
Corley M. - Golden Girls Theme
Jordan - Shirley Q Liquor soundclip on Star Trek
Rebecca Zr - Oh How The Years Go By, Carrying the Banner from Newsies, everything else from Newsies...and Mama Mia
My Dad - Fly Away, Homesick, I'll Be Seeing You, How Great is Our God
Elise - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
Kendall K - anything by John Mayer or Josh Groban or Shirley Q Liquor or Celine Dion...and all instrumental soundtrack music
Suite 307-309 Crew - Thank You by Kelly Jones, Take Ya Home by Lil Bow Wow, Dream On by Aerosmith, Always Be My Home by Rachel Lampa
Tiffany - Girl on TV and Summer Girls by LFO, Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks, Orange Colored Sky by Natalie Cole, Stickshifts & Safetybelts by Cake
Heath - Always on Your Side by Sheryl Crow and anything by Sister Hazel (i've got it all)
John D. - Free Bird, Hotel California
Tommy A - Livin' on a Prayer
Richie - I just Died in Your Arms Tonight
Jonathan H - If I Had a Million Dollars
Kaylan - Awakening by Sara Groves, Mississippi Squirrel Revival, all things Nichole Nordeman
Stuart - I would walk 500 Miles
The Band Boys - With or Without You, Spin, Where the Streets Have No Name, and all their own stuff
Emily - It's Rainin' Men
Holly - Concrete by Plumb, all of the Runaway Bride Soundtrack, Goodbye Earl, Arise my Love, Sweet Tea by Craven Melon
Sara - The Trolley Song from Meet Me In St. Louis
Zo - For the Moments I feel Faint
Michael R - Blessing in the Thorn, Coconuts soundclip from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Michael N - Smile and all things George Strait (and Little Cabin in the Woods...even though it's not on my ipod)
Family - White Christmas soundtrack and some old school kid music that i will not name so as not to embarrass myself, The Lord Bless You & Keep You
Whitney B - the Rent soundtrack
Friday, March 10, 2006
i wanted to add something to the quote in the last post...ok so i said there were no words, but i thought of some...like any of you are surprised...
the whole point of the quote was that Jesus was revolutionary...but i wonder how people will read this...i also wonder how it was meant to be read by the author (he was after all writing it a while ago)...having the mindset that i do, i read it to mean that Jesus lived the kind of life that challenged the norm...he inspired a new way of living...and this way of living was revolutionary and made him quite a few enemies...but these enemies were not in the government...and they weren't among the typical "sinners" of his day...they were the religious...the church of his day...they were his biggest enemy
it seems so ironic to me that so many people who would tell you that they are trying to live Christ-like lives do so by opposing the government's stand on this or that or by refusing to associate with those living a "sinful" lifestyle...its' ironic because Jesus never seemed to do either of these...his life was revolutionary but it was not obnoxious
the whole point of the quote was that Jesus was revolutionary...but i wonder how people will read this...i also wonder how it was meant to be read by the author (he was after all writing it a while ago)...having the mindset that i do, i read it to mean that Jesus lived the kind of life that challenged the norm...he inspired a new way of living...and this way of living was revolutionary and made him quite a few enemies...but these enemies were not in the government...and they weren't among the typical "sinners" of his day...they were the religious...the church of his day...they were his biggest enemy
it seems so ironic to me that so many people who would tell you that they are trying to live Christ-like lives do so by opposing the government's stand on this or that or by refusing to associate with those living a "sinful" lifestyle...its' ironic because Jesus never seemed to do either of these...his life was revolutionary but it was not obnoxious
Sunday, March 05, 2006
so home was good...saturday was spent in awe of the massive amount of stuff that still remains in my mother's house...i limited the things i brought back with me to a shoe box...i am torn between being the packrat that i know is in my genes and the rational person who sees what being a packrat gets you after 50 years...in one box i found, not one, but two vienna sausage can wrappers that looked like they were from the 60s or 70s and judging by the other contents of the box they probably were...
yet among the mass of yellowed obituaries of people i have never known and heloise column cut-outs, i found an excerpt from a study written by john mcclanahan...i'm sure this name means nothing to anyone outside of pine bluff and maybe most of the people in it...i only know the man because after he retired from preaching he would substitute teach at pine bluff high school where i'm sure he was needlessly harrassed in his old age...i personally hated the days he substituted because he not only made us do work, he tried to teach us (which as well all know is a cardinal sin...substitutes are supposed to easy-work-lecture-free-days)...yet on this random newspaper clipping, john mcclanahan made a statement that i imagine was quite radical for his day (again probably 60s or 70s)...and it made me quite proud to have known the man...and i decided to share:
"Many of us have seen only in one way Jesus Christ and the life of discipleship to which he calls. Thus, he is the meek Gailiean, loving little children, healing the sick, and generally going about doing good...
"Those who see Jesus only in this way expect of his followers gentle lives of easygoing, pew-cushioned piety. Christian people are expected to be decent, clean, respectable, bland individuals who are more adept in planning receptions that in queling riots. Christianity thus becomes essentially a harmless, irrelevant religion for polite, respectable society; and the church becomes only a good club, nothing more...
"Jesus so countered the power structure of his day that eventually he was executed. He was killed not because he was too religious but because he was too revolutionary."
to which i say "wow" and can say no more because it would seem pale
yet among the mass of yellowed obituaries of people i have never known and heloise column cut-outs, i found an excerpt from a study written by john mcclanahan...i'm sure this name means nothing to anyone outside of pine bluff and maybe most of the people in it...i only know the man because after he retired from preaching he would substitute teach at pine bluff high school where i'm sure he was needlessly harrassed in his old age...i personally hated the days he substituted because he not only made us do work, he tried to teach us (which as well all know is a cardinal sin...substitutes are supposed to easy-work-lecture-free-days)...yet on this random newspaper clipping, john mcclanahan made a statement that i imagine was quite radical for his day (again probably 60s or 70s)...and it made me quite proud to have known the man...and i decided to share:
"Many of us have seen only in one way Jesus Christ and the life of discipleship to which he calls. Thus, he is the meek Gailiean, loving little children, healing the sick, and generally going about doing good...
"Those who see Jesus only in this way expect of his followers gentle lives of easygoing, pew-cushioned piety. Christian people are expected to be decent, clean, respectable, bland individuals who are more adept in planning receptions that in queling riots. Christianity thus becomes essentially a harmless, irrelevant religion for polite, respectable society; and the church becomes only a good club, nothing more...
"Jesus so countered the power structure of his day that eventually he was executed. He was killed not because he was too religious but because he was too revolutionary."
to which i say "wow" and can say no more because it would seem pale
Saturday, March 04, 2006
i now understand why donald miller said that guys get bonus points for having a copy of pride & prejudice on their bookshelf...it may be the most irrational love story ever conceived but it most definitely is beautiful...and while i can't be cool and say i've read the book, i can say that i saw the movie tonight and it was everything i knew it would be...
yet in all its glory, it has not helped make the list that i've promised my coworkers that i would compose...they want me to make a list of what i want in a guy...i told them that they'd be sorry because the list would be too long...partly because i'm picky and partly because getting a man is not on my agenda...and yet the list is measley at this point because i can't think of more than 5 decent things to put on it...however, i think even those 5 might be enough to twart any plans they may have to set me up with anyone...which would be a success...
tomorrow i am off to see the family...dog in tow...
any suggestions for my list would be welcome...
yet in all its glory, it has not helped make the list that i've promised my coworkers that i would compose...they want me to make a list of what i want in a guy...i told them that they'd be sorry because the list would be too long...partly because i'm picky and partly because getting a man is not on my agenda...and yet the list is measley at this point because i can't think of more than 5 decent things to put on it...however, i think even those 5 might be enough to twart any plans they may have to set me up with anyone...which would be a success...
tomorrow i am off to see the family...dog in tow...
any suggestions for my list would be welcome...
